One of the most recent changes that I’ve been going through is personal growth. My priorities have switched dramatically within the past year or so. My priority back then was ‘having fun…living life, etc.’ What I didn’t realize was that while attempting to do so, I was putting myself in unhealthy situations and surrounding myself with unhealthy people. I may have been ‘having fun’ but there was a cost, a really big cost to it all. While doing so, I had to sacrifice so much…possibly even losing pieces of myself along the way.
I’m glad that things have changed. Moving up here, Mike, and the people I currently surround myself with really help. The friends that I have, I’ve realized were better friends than I thought. Some people were a lot worse than I thought, and stopped communicating with them. Then there are others who are good/decent people who I keep in contact with as well. What’s really helped me see this was gaining a better perspective of reality.
Of course this happened at a cost. Somtimes the truth/reality hurts. It was painful. Of course I thought about running back to what was comfortable and easy. But I couldn’t because in the end, it would all be a lie and that would hurt more than anything else.
Right now, my priority is dealing with whats real and learning how to be successful with this ‘reality.’
The other day, my coworker shared a CD from her communication training at work. A lot of what they say, Mike has told me before. And I jokinly asked him if he wrote this stuff : ) It helps that I’m hearing it again, or hearing it from a different perspective and learning new things a long the way.
One point on the CD that really struck a chord was about creating a ‘Story.’ The speaker talks about how people get in emotional situations where the ’stakes are high’ and you’re either hurt, angry, or upset, making it difficult communicate with people. The problem is the story that people choose to attach to facts. He adds, that you can present a group a people with facts but the way they interpret, or see the facts (or in other words, the story that they attach to these facts) make up their perspective on the facts, and the stories vary because people create different stories.
Another example (and something you can try now…): He tells people to look at everything around them that is red – I tried this while I was driving. He says, focus, notice everything that is red right in front of you, ahead of you, all around you. Remember them. Then he asks, “what did you notice that was brown?”
This example pretty much amazed me because I couldn’t remember anything brown. This is basically how people see things when they are emotional (hurt, angry, upset or frustrated…) That they see what they want to see, and what they see makes up ‘their story.’ When you were looking for all things red in front of you, there was plenty of color around you. But because I didn’t notice them, it was as if they didn’t exist at all.
If thats the way I am when I am emotional, I don’t want to live like that…seeing what I want to see. I want to see whats really there.
What about you? How do you want to see life?
The CD recommends creating a ’story’ as a way to pre-empt more realistic perspective on events. When you create a story, retell it to yourself and see if it makes sense. This helps you think about how fair or realistic your judgment is.
As a personal example the other day, Mike and I was playing Wii. He held the Wii-mote but we worked as a team to try to get a Gold Medal (Gold Metal would mean that we’d have to get to level 60). For some reason we could not pass level 59! We were so close. The next chance we had, I accidently gave Mike the wrong answer which cost him several points, which basically means that he has less time for the next level. I felt so bad about it and apologized.
When I apologized, he just nodded his head, without looking at me. My reaction was that he was mad at me. How did I reach this conclusion? I have no idea, I just got a strong feeling…
Like the CD said, I created my story. I used some facts and I created a story. If I had accepted this story, then it would have left me with a bad feeling and no resolution. The CD suggests re-telling that story to yourself and see if it makes sense. This is a way to pre-empt your perspective of reality.
If I told the story based on my initial reaction, it would be something like this:
1.) Mike and I were playing video games (fact). I gave Mike the wrong answer (fact). I felt bad (fact). I said sorry (fact). Without looking at me, Mike nodded (fact). I know Mike is mad at me because he didnt look at me (my conclusion).
>>Theres something missing in this story. It just doesnt quite make sense or come full circle.
After seeing that, I made another story, something to the effect of:
2.) Mike and I were playing video games (fact). I gave Mike the wrong answer (fact). I felt bad (fact). I said sorry (fact). Mike nodded (fact) without looking at me. Mike isnt looking at me because he is playing games and he’s trying to focus on getting up to level 60.
>> This comes full circle and its logical based on facts. Doesn’t the 2nd choice make more sense?
It might seem overwhelming/draining to have to play out these stories in your head, but I believe that the more practice I get (i need lots of it because I’m kind of a pessimist), the more instinctual it is for me to be a optimistic realist : )
You can always use a shortcut that Mike taught me and thats –anytime something is left unknown and can be interpreted as good or bad, see it as good. You’ll be so much happier. (Disclaimer *** not to be used when something is bad, and you’re trying to convince yourself it is good!)
The next time you have an opportunity to tell a story when the stakes are high, and youre emotional, what will your story be like?
Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. - Unknown
